The Plague

This post is disgusting. So stop reading if you don't have an iron stomach.

So Brett and I have what I can only describe as the plague. Now after having the plague I can understand why history refers to that time period as the dark ages, because all you want to do is turn off all of the lights and burn any semi-happy person at the stake. Actually none of those events happened at the same time, but I majored in Biology not History so I don't really care. This latest round with the plague is rather monumental for me, because I can now count the number of times I have (ahem) thrown up since seventh grade on two hands. Surviving two operations, two pregnancies, high school and college, two c-sections, eight years of marriage, endless gagging diapers and most notably the last election with only puking my guts out six times should tell you something about how I feel about barfing. I HATE IT!!! Let me go through the steps of blowing chunks with you.

1. The awful recognition that you either have an upset stomach or you swallowed a baby octopus. Either way you know you will be kneeling in front of the porecelin throne for a while.

2. The Great Salt Lake suddenly becomes your mouth. No one has ever been able to explain to me how so much salt and so much saliva can suddenly make it's way into your mouth.

3. Your abs suddenly decide now would be a good time to start doing Abs of Steel all on their own. And the harder you hurl the tighter they clench until you are working out abs you didn't even know existed.

4. Your mouth opens like those pictures of a snake swallowing a gazelle and while you think I didn't know my mouth could open this wide the most vile substance on the Earth comes flowing out of it. That's right vomit. And just like the only other thing in the world that starts with a V and spews against gravity (a volcano) it burns everything it comes into contact with.

5. You brush your teeth with a new toothbrush, because certainly the old one had sick germs on it that got you into this mess. Then you get a new toothbrush because that one you just used is now contaminated with the plague.

6. The next day you wake up certain that you should look like Kate Hudson only to step on the scale and realize that you have only lost one pound.

I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sure hope this tides me over for another year or two.

Polly Pockets

OK. So I have taken a lot of slack both on and off my blog about the Polly Pocket accessories. For those of you otherwise inexperienced in the world of Polly, let me explain. Polly Pockets are little dolls roughly the size of a peanut and their accessories are invisible to the naked eye. However, they are magnetically attracted to bare feet. If you should happen to walk across a surface in which Pollys have been played with you are a braver person than me. I have taken to just vacuuming the carpet when the girls are done playing. The worst part of Polly is the fact that her shoes are about 2-3 centimeters shorter than her feet. This is complicated by the aforementioned fact that they are also invisible to the naked eye. There is nothing worse than your little daughter coming up to you with the expectation that you can do anything in the whole world and then not being able to put Polly's #$%^&* shoe on. In many a maniacal attempt to shoe Polly I have accidently catapulted the shoe off of Polly's foot and across the room. Basically I have no idea where Polly's accesories are going to turn up. So no I did not purposely put Polly's accessories anywhere. Seriously people, this is a family blog!!!!!!